Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
