I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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