I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
