dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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