You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
