I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
