are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
