Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
