Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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