I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
