Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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