After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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