WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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