Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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