Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
