I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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