My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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