I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
