i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
