This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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