you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
