my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
