I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
