I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
