new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
