the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
