well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
