mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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