I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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