if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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