The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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