You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So much rum. So many feels.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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