nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My liver just broke up with me...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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