Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
