It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
A+ Viking dick
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
