he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
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