During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
