I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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