you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
