I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
