you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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