I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
