he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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