smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
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Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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