Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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