Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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