Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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