TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
