I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Welp...herpes.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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