Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
