Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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