Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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