I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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