hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
