I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
