it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
