it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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