Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
