If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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