The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
